Embracing Our Inner Martha and Mary: Moving from Perfectionism to Presence
Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.
St. Frances de Sales
This past Monday, July 29th, was the feast day of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Without knowing it, my husband and I happened to watch an episode of The Chosen that included the story of Martha and Mary, right before their feast day. I just love those Holy Spirit moments when our life rhythm surprisingly aligns with the liturgical season.
I thought The Chosen portrayed Martha in a way that was incredibly relatable. She was an excellent host, taking great care of her guests. The show beautifully depicted how she arranged and prepared the food and drink, but it also showed her anxiety and frustration at not getting help from her sister. Martha came across as a bit of a perfectionist, meticulously arranging the meal and wanting to be in control, with high expectations of others.
As they continued their journey, Jesus entered a village where a woman named Martha welcomed Him. She had a sister named Mary who sat beside the Lord at His feet, listening to Him speak. Martha, burdened with much serving, came to Him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? Tell her to help me.” The Lord replied, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.”
Luke 10:38-42
Martha often gets compared to her sister Mary and receives a bad rap for being too busy, working too hard, and getting stressed out. However, Martha was very serious about fulfilling her role and doing what most women of her time would do—ensuring that food and drink were prepared for their guests and that they were treated well. She was operating from her strengths. Additionally, it was uncommon for women to be disciples of a rabbi, let alone sit at his feet to listen to his teaching, as Mary did with Jesus.
As an older sister and only daughter, it was very natural for me to take on domestic duties when required, so I truly relate to Martha's desire to fulfill her responsibilities. I personally love to prepare a beautiful and inviting environment for parties and guests. However, in the past, I would lose myself in serving and making things perfect, which prevented me from being present and attentive like Mary.
We need both Martha and Mary in our lives. We need to first be and then do, knowing the right times to embrace Martha's acts of service and Mary's practice of the present moment with God.
When Martha complained about her sister and asked Jesus to have her help, He responded with such tenderness and love, gently correcting her. He wasn’t trying to embarrass her or make her feel bad but to renew her mind. He was helping her see that the Kingdom of God operates differently from cultural and worldly norms. He acknowledged Martha's anxiety and worry about many things and redirected her to what was most necessary at that moment—to be present with Him, as Mary exemplified. He assured Martha that He would not take away Mary's choice to be with Him for unnecessary work. Jesus was asking Martha to trust that He would take care of everything.
As much as serving can be our strength and joy, it shouldn't lead us to anxiety or worry, nor distract us from what is truly important. I realized that my need to perform and be perfect stemmed from a scarcity and performance-based mindset. Perfectionism makes anything less than perfect feel inadequate, prompting us to do more in search of a sense of worth.
Over time, I learned that this performance mindset came from a lack of understanding my true identity and where my worth should really be rooted. When we are grounded in our true identity, we see that we are enough and that what God has given us is enough. It’s not about what we can do, but who we are. The beautiful things we do are meant to be a gift to others, but they should never come at the expense of losing ourselves to our work or taking away our peace.
The key to changing our patterns of performance and scarcity mindset is reclaiming our identity in God. Renewing your mind starts with understanding who you truly are in Him. Sitting at the feet of Jesus, listening to His teaching like Mary, will help us do that. By following Jesus, who does what the Father is doing, we will naturally become like our Father, who is perfect, if we simply be.
Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.
St. Francis de Sales
question to ponder
How is God calling you to embrace both your inner Mary and Martha?
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